Sunday, September 14, 2008

There Has Got To Be A Mourning After....

A note on Buckeye (Ohio State, remember them?) football:

If I did not have a wonderful family and a fairly interesting life, I would be speaking to you from a very dark place.

So... from a very dark place (Just kidding. Kinda.), here are the things, in no particular order (Does it really matter?), the OSU coaching staff needs to do to remain a national laughing stock:

10- Recruit more Large, Slow Guys.
9- Play at least five MAC teams every year (And, yes, I can count, but this includes the ones already in the "Big-10".).
8- Outlaw face-painting, except when using Max Factor.
7- Make very sure that our “kids” are polite, well-mannered, and scared to death to make any mistakes. (This assures the proper resulting game-day behavior of tentative fear.)
6- Give the coach a $3 million raise every year, as long as we beat Michigan.
5- Stay in the Bubble of the Mid-west forever by making sure that the next scheduled coast road game is Rutgers, in 2015.
4- If a play develops “way-too-slow”, practice to make it slower. (See #1 -- Ah, the old "Power-O".)
3- As a coach, never show any emotion other than disappointment, despair and disgust. That way the kids get used to it.
2- Practice your after-game speech. Seed it with various cliche that cancel each other out. This will prepare you for your next job. Y
ou’ll need it to handle the economy. Yes, that’s it: your next hopeless gig is head of the Federal Reserve.
1- Make sure you network with Charlie Weiss and Rich Rodriguez. You are going to need their advice.

"I don't know that we did the best we could do, but I think we fought extremely well," Tressel said. "USC has got a fine team and is going to obviously be a team to be reckoned with."

Hey, how about "We got our asses kicked way back to nowhere". Or, "I am so ** pissed. I am angry and I will make sure this doesn't happen again, or you can ** dock my pay.

Sadly, that isn't going to happen, but instead, platitudes will abound....

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